This morning I was led back to Him. I'm learning to return back to Him and to run towards Him ferociously. I've learnt that I can barely do a day without Him and while dependence on someone is not encouraged, dependence on Him is not a weakness but something that gives you strength, rather than taking parts of you and then breaking them because people fail He keeps every part of You and in Him there's no better place to be.
I want to share a little bit of what's been on my heart lately and I love being candid with what I'm going through and although I am a little wary online and how different things can be interpreted this whole idea of being real with people, being honest with people is something I've really struggled with.
I don't know whether it's British culture (granted, that's a bit of an overgeneralisation) to not talk about your problems, your struggles or whether it's a pride thing. You see I've been really struggling with the idea of not being perfect. I used to view it in a way that I knew in my mind was unattainable but in my heart I longed so deperately after it. My longing to be spotless and without blemish in the Lord's eyes, there's no bad thing about it, if anything that's a great motivation to be ruthless with sin. However when my longing to be spotless and without blemish in man's eyes overrode that, that's when I realised that a God thing had become a bad thing.
I used to want people to get at least the impression that I didn't deal with anything when in reality there have been days where I've felt so ashamed in His presence that I couldn't even bring myself to come before Him with what I'd done. Now, cue the minds of you, the wonderful person reading this, to think "what are the sins that she goes through?" hopefully in not a bid to judge me, though our flesh may sometimes want to, but in a bid to understand my way of thinking and in a hope that maybe you can relate to my struggles and my failings because we're all going through something no matter how big or how small, we are always going through something, we will always struggle with something this side of heaven. Does this mean that we just give up? No, because He died for so much more than us giving up, if anything His death and resurrection should not be undermined by what we feel, what we want to do and how we ourselves perceive our own sin.
Giving up is easy but only temporarily, to follow Jesus and to trust in Him to change you, to refine you on your walk with Him despite being wrecked by sin, when you come to a true understanding of just how important He is and should be in your life and how much of an incredible impact He has had on your life is even more of an incentive to give Him glory despite our failings. He is there in the process, He is there in your weakness, He is there when your shame feels greater than His presence, He is there when you think you've reached the end of yourself and when you don't feel like there's enough grace for Him to reach out to you. He is there and He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is constant and unchanging. There has never been a moment in your God-breathed life that He has loved you less, He has always loved you with an everlasting love, a steadfast love an incredible incomprehensible love that knows no bounds.
We can choose to step into His love or we can choose to stay drenched in shame, guilt and overcome by our sin.
It's a concept that can be really hard to accept, it can be a constant process of asking Him to remind us of His mercy and grace and how He died so that we may be free. To live for Him, to serve Him and to love Him with every fibre of our being. We are constantly growing in grace, growing in His love, growing in compassion what will your decision be?